When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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