that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
