he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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