I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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