Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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