so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
