Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
