i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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