When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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