Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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