I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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