another moral hangover. fuck.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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