Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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