Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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