I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
