Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
