you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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