Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
