So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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