dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
did you just send me my own nude
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
