Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I think my moral compass just broke
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
