It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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