taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
