my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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