it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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