I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
