the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
