dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
