hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
