those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
