There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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