I need to stop coming to work sober
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
