My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
