Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
