just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
