You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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