I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
