Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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