can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
