porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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