I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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