Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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