I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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