goodnight i made you a song goodbye
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
