Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
