I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
