the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
