You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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