Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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