when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
